you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize