someone get that fucking seahorse.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Who died my cat blue again?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
