Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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