these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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