you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize