I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
