Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
