dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we made out on top of his cat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
