Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
