i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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