I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
people are starting to question the shark bite story
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
