I could have mohawked her pubes.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
