She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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