this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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