Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
