i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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