I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
