I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
