apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
