fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
