T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
