mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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