I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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