the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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