i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
