Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
