Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
