Three words: puerto rican gang bang
the condom got lost in my hair
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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