Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
