i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
