The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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