Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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