I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
