I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
