Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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