ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
