is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
