i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
