That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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