I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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