I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
