not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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