She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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