He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize