I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
