she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
