Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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