There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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