My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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