does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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