Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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