is your mom at the bar?
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
