I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
