Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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