I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sorry my hands just texted you
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
