Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
